Music Friday - Kate Nash

Merry Happy by Kate Nash

xoxo,
Mrs. B

IUI #3....

... is just as expected, a BFN today at 15dpiui.

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We leave on vacation this Saturday and I am so excited! We will be spending a week with friends and their two toddlers in Florida. Because of this vacation, we will be on a treatment break. At first, I was really bummed about having to take a break. Not today! {or at least, not for this moment hehe} I was looking through our calendar for October and we have lots to keep us busy.

Why I am going to enjoy this break....

1. I can enjoy some drinks on our vacation.
2. I don't have to cancel our wine tasting/horseback riding day trip.
3. I can enjoy drinks on my friend's bachelorette trip. 
4. I can mountain bike all month long.
5. I can horseback ride again. I miss it so much.
6. I can lose more weight. I am loving my P90X.
7. Lots of sushi :)
8. We can pay an extra $1,000 towards bills instead of treatments.
9. The Mr. and I, for the first time in 18 months, don't have to worry or stress over a cycle.
10. No doctor appointments, no injections, no procedures, no blood draws. Ahhhhhhhhh.

xoxo,
Mrs. B

My random thoughts on Infertility.

Infertility is one of those journeys that a person cannot fully understand until they have gone through it themselves. It's weird that way. What I hope for is that my family and friends realize that and understand that all we want is for them to be there for us when we need them. Thankfully, they have been wonderful. There are a few exceptions, but that's to be expected.

I think back now to times when I was younger and naive, and didn't understand what I do now. See, my Mom's sister was never able to have children. I don't know all the details, but from what I understand now, she had premature ovarian failure. Back then, I understood she couldn't have a baby and that saddened me, but I didn't truly understand until now. Now that it's happening to us, my heart hurts for her. It was part of the reason her marriage ended. My uncle wanted his own children, and when he re-married, he had them. My aunt is still single and going through more struggles than just Infertility, many of which likely resulted from that awful journey.

One of my cousins was trying to have a baby with his then fiance. They had several early miscarriages and finally a still born daughter. I was devastated for them. I couldn't imagine the kind of pain they must have been going through. Their relationship also ended and he married someone else & has a new baby girl.

It's terrifying to know how hard Infertility can be on a relationship. I am thankful that, for now, it has brought Mr. B and I closer. I can now understand some of what my aunt, uncle & cousins must have felt. Alone. Sad. Frustrated. Defeated. Broken. I am feeling especially broken these days because it is becoming clear that there must be something wrong with my eggs or my uterus. Why is my body failing me?

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are." Arthur Golden

xoxo,
Mrs. B

Tallying up the costs. Fun.

I can't believe how much we have spent so far! It sucks being 100% OOP for treatments. Not even blood work or ultrasounds are covered. Ugh.

Diagnostic Costs

$350 for sperm penetration test, aka “Hamster Test”
$315 for my HSG

Total = $665

IUI #1 Costs 

$260 for IUI 1.1 on 7/14/11

$260 for IUI 1.2 on 7/15/11

$110 for CD4 u/s

$110 for CD12 u/s

$110 for CD13 u/s + $20 for giving me the shot
$88 for hCG trigger shot
$10 for Clomid

$71 for progesterone blood draw

$136 for pregnancy + progesterone blood draw BFN on HPT

Total = $1,039

IUI#2 Costs

$260 for IUI 1.1 on 8/12/11

$260 for IUI 1.2 on 8/13/11

$110 for CD3 u/s

$110 for CD12 u/s + $20 for giving me the shot
$78 for hCG trigger shot
$10 for Clomid

$71 for progesterone blood draw

$136 for pregnancy + progesterone blood draw BFN on HPT

Total = $919

IUI#3 Costs

$260 for IUI 1.1 on 9/12/11

$260 for IUI 1.2 on 9/13/11

$110 for CD3 u/s

$110 for CD12 u/s

$110 for CD14 u/s + $20 for giving me the shot
$78 for hCG trigger shot
$10 for Clomid

$71 for progesterone blood draw

$136 for pregnancy + progesterone blood draw

Total = $1,029 (+ $136 if BFP)

Acupuncture Costs

$250 Sep 7th

$100 Sep 15^th

$100 Sep 19^th

Total = $450

Total Costs, as of 9/20/11 = $4,102

Is it all worth it?

That's a good question, and a question I often ask myself. I haven't ever doubted that I want to be a Mom, but this journey will mess with you. You actually begin to contemplate how far you will take things before giving up. It's really scary.

There is a blog called So Close about a woman who went through infertility. She also wrote a book about it with the same title. I came across this post and it really touched me. She made it very clear that it was more than worth it. I try to remind myself that all of these appointments, ultrasounds, inseminations, injections, procedures and tears will be worth it in the end. Please let it all be worth it.

"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday." Author Unknown

xoxo,

Mrs. B

Music Friday - Jem

Flying High by Jem

Happy Weekend everyone!!!

xoxo,

Mrs. B

EEEE!!! Fall is almost here :)

I love the Fall season more than anything! Pumpkin candles, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin pie, cooler weather, apple-picking, apple cider, apple crisp, Halloween, Thanksgiving... I could go on and on. I am giddy just thinking about it!

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For the past three years, my Mom, sister and I have made a day trip to a place called Oak Glen. We pick apples & pumpkins, drink apple cider with doughnuts, and have lunch and apple pie at a local restaurant. It's become our tradition, and we are going next weekend. SO EXCITED!!!

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What is your favorite thing about Fall?

xoxo,
Mrs. B

IUI #3 is done. Yay.

IUI #3 is officially done. No more Clomid, ever again! Wahoo! Yesterday, my one follie was at 25mm and Mr. B's count was 70 million. Today the follie was gone and Mr. B's count was 45 million. The Mr. is certainly pulling his weight :)

Monday's stripey socks

Today's bright orange socks. These ones really caught Dr. A's attention. I told him about our sock exchange and he thought that was pretty cool. On my way out, he said "good luck, and I hope the socks do the trick!" :)

And now we wait.

xoxo,
Mrs. B

September 11, 2001 - 10 years later

My second cousin once removed {my Mom's second cousin}, Jorg Dubin, was the artist selected to build the 9/11 memorial sculpture in Laguna Beach, CA. It was presented to the public today and of course we were there with the rest of the family, including Jorg's 95 year old father. It consists of two I-beams from the World Trade Center and a mirrored sphere. The idea is that visitors would see themselves in reflection amid the towers. He did an amazing job putting it together.

Semper Momento - 9.11.11

The family.

In other news, I went to the RE this morning and my one, lonely follicle was now 22mm. My lining was good at 8mm. They triggered me and we will have back-to-back IUI's tomorrow and Tuesday. I also have an acupuncture appointment after my IUI. Monday's are crazy at work so tomorrow should be hectic! Not to mention I have strep throat, and these antibiotics are killing my stomach :( Things can only get better from here, right?!?!

xoxo,

Mrs. B

The cherry on top

The Clomid especially sucked this cycle and then I got the cherry on top... I didn't respond well this time :( At today's ultrasound, I had just one 17-18mm follicle. Dr. A said it happens. He told me to come back on Sunday to see if I am ready to trigger. He wants to see it at 20mm or larger. That being said, I don't have any hope for this cycle now.

I asked him what he thought about injects next time and he said that would be his recommendation, and that he is confident I will respond well. Because there is more frequent monitoring with injects, we will likely have to skip October. We will be gone for a week in Florida. It's back to the old-fashioned way of getting pregnant, ha! It will be nice to take a break from all the doctor appointments and hot flashes, but I know I will be anxious for November to get here!

my lucky polka dot socks :)

xoxo,
Mrs. B

Music Friday - Barry Louis Polisar

We played this song at our wedding :) Our families and friends all joined us for a fun dance. 

I will never forget it!

All I Want is You by Barry Louis Polisar

xoxo,

Mrs. B

I really hate Clomid, and other things on my mind

I am soooooo done with these hot flashes and night sweats!!!!!!! The Clomid side effects stay around for a while after I take my last pill. The only thing that helps is a fan right on my face. And even then, I feel like I am burning up. The temps in the 100's weren't helping either. My sleeping sucks. I wake up freezing, then an hour later I wake up dripping in sweat. Yep, these effing hot flashes happen 24 hours a day! Ugh.

Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling upset about our Infertility because I am alive and healthy. I am very thankful for everything we have, but it still hurts. Then I remembered a fact sheet I read on Resolve's website about Coping with the Stress of Infertility. Research has shown that the stresses and anxiety of Infertility can be the same level as someone with cancer! Wow. I am going to be sure to mention my stress / anxiety to my acupuncturist to see if she can help with that as well. Work has been absolutely nuts and that is definitely not helping.

I think we have decided on our next steps if IUI #3 doesn't work. We are going to try one more IUI, but with injectables. If it works, yay, no IVF. If it doesn't work, we will at least have an idea of how I respond to the injectables. We figured we should try everything we can before IVF. So that's the plan for now :)

xoxo,
Mrs. B

I love acupuncture!

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I loved it! It was very relaxing and I felt good after we were done. I also really liked the doctor. She went over my treatment history and asked me questions about my menstrual cycles. Then she had me lay down on my back and she started the acupuncture. She put four needles in my lower belly to encourage blood flow to my uterus. She also put one in my ear, one in the top of my foot and one in my ankle. She turned heat onto the ones in my lower belly. She brushed her hands over the tops of the needles and asked if I could feel them. I could :) I laid down for about 30 minutes.

I am scheduled to go in again on Monday, which should be just after my IUI's. She said to let her know where I am at in my cycle and she will adjust the needle placement accordingly. I am really happy I am doing this alongside my treatments. Western medicine meets Eastern medicine :)

xoxo,
Mrs. B

My Second Lucky Sock Exchange

We had another sock exchange on the Bump boards and my elf spoiled me rotten!!! She gave me a bunch of colorful, happy socks! I can't wait to wear them for my appointments this week :) She also gave me lotion, nail polish, candy and the sweetest card! It really made my day. Thank you so much, Darlene!!! I am so thankful to have a message board full of women who support each other during this difficult journey. You all rock.

xoxo,

Mrs. B

Music Friday - Beyonce

For my husband :)

Halo by Beyonce

On pins and needles!

I scheduled my first acupuncture appointment!!!! Can you tell I am excited?! I have wanted to try it and my Mom brought it up to me as well, so I finally called. I am really looking forward to it.

Have any of you lovely readers tried acupuncture?

xoxo,
Mrs. B