Monday, August 29, 2011

Never Give Up

Every day I think about what it will be like to see those two lines on a pregnancy test. I daydream about my belly growing and feeling our baby moving. I get excited thinking about Mr. B becoming a Father. I can't wait to buckle him or her into a car seat and visit the Grandparents. These things are always on my mind. 

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.
-- Author Unknown

I am so thankful to have married such a wonderful man. I don't know how I would have done this without him. This journey has been difficult for both of us, but it has also brought us closer and strengthened our marriage. He shares in the ups and downs with me and reminds me that everything will be okay. I am confident that we are in this together, no matter what happens.

I am happy we decided to be more open about our journey and at the same time it's been a little weird. One friend, who I haven't talked to in a long time, called me after she saw the What IF video. It was not what I expected. She told me how they had moved out of state to a lower cost-of-living area and paid off all their debt. And then she told me she was pregnant ::blank stare:: She also told me they were getting everything free on Medicaid, even extra ultrasounds if she wanted. That was right after I told her about our struggles and that we are spending thousands on treatments. Seriously? Needless to say, I won't be communicating with her again. I certainly don't need that right now. But what was I expecting? Most people will never understand.

I wish I had more hope for our third IUI. It's difficult when it's failed twice before. Heck, I wish I had more hope that, if we need IVF, it will work. Will I ever get pregnant? I wish I knew that answer. I can't convince myself that I will. I think that's called self-preservation. All of our lives we work hard for the things we want. We worked hard to get and keep the jobs we have. We worked hard to pay off our debts. We worked hard to lose weight. This is the one thing that doesn't work that way. This journey and these treatments feel like a walk in the dark. No one knows for sure what will happen. That uncertainty is hard for both of us, but I am learning that it's best for me to expect the worse. It hurts much less that way.

There is one thing that I am sure of today: I can't ever give up. 

Mrs. B


  1. I love this post. It describes exactly how I feel (but so much more eloquently!) I wish we could all see into the future; it would make the uncertainty so much easier. I understand your feelings about this next IUI, but I'm really hoping that third time's the charm. Fingers crossed for you =)

    Also, I'm sorry your friend was so insensitive! I mean, I get that people might not understand if they're not going through IF themselves, but c'mon people! Use a little common sense! Would we call up a friend going through something painful--like a divorce--and talk about how great our anniversary was? No. Grrr. Anyway, vent over...just wanted to say I'm sorry that even happened!

  2. I'm sorry that your friend was so insensitive. Even if a person hasn't dealt with IF, you'd expect that they would use a certain level of common sense before they decide to email you something like that.

    I hope the third time is the charm for you. I know it's hard to stay hopeful when the course of treatment hasn't worked the first couple times, but it most certainly can happen. Stay strong and good luck this cycle. I hope you get pleasantly surprised! :)

  3. I am sorry sweetie. I hate that your friend was so inconsiderate of your situation. People who haven't experienced IF just really don't know what to say and what NOT to say.

    I have hope for your third IUI. Hang in there, dear. Don't give up hope.