I tested this morning, just to make sure I wasn't pregnant on our treatment break cycle. I feel stupid testing at all, but I just have to do it so I can mentally prepare for the next cycle. It makes my type A personality happy to have a concrete answer. It is still crushing to look at a negative test, even though I had so little hope to begin with.
I called Dr. A earlier this week and talked to him about what to do next. I voiced my concerns about my response last time. I wasn't happy with the one, maybe two, mature follicles we ended up with. The ideal amount seems to vary because some people only need one follicle to get pregnant and then there's people like me who needed seven. I know seven is a lot and it's a huge risk to take, so it would be great to get three or four. Dr. A said he would start me on a higher dose of Follistim this time, likely 125 IU. I am happy that he is going to do something different. I am also hoping that taking this last cycle off will help. So yeah, that's the plan once I start my next cycle.
Those same horrible feelings are coming back from two years ago. I am terrified that nothing is going to work, not even what worked last time. What are we going to do? How far do we go for a second child? I can't imagine not having more than one, but I don't want to be selfish either. At least I have one. Oy. It's such a roller coaster of emotions. Stupid, stupid Infertility. I hate what it has done to this experience for us and for so many others I know through my message boards and blogs, and everyone fighting the battle that I don't know.
xoxo,
Megan
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